I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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