i will never coherently bang her
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
