My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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