I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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