my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My penis needs a shock collar
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Randomize
