he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
