I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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