You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
