No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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