You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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