hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
