I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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