shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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