So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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