8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
