I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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