I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
