I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
