Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
