i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
