well I can't set my house on fire every night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
