Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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