If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
