Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
