I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
