i just had sex bonerless
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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