Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
