please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
