I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we're making bets on your personal life
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
