I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
