You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
