seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
