I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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