she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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