just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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