You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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