My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
