do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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