I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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