I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
