have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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