I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
