Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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