You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
