I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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