"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
