I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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