dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
