a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
