I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
