And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
