She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
