Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this is an emotional support booty call
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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