Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
