I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
