today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
