Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
